Killing the Lawn

The doorbell rang as I was getting dressed this morning (okay, okay… this afternoon. I was up early, but dawdled). TruGreen Chemlawn was at the door, but the guy was in a “Bob’s Roofing” truck. Interesting.

It should be noted that “TruGreen” has in fact dropped the name “Chemlawn” from their title. Nevertheless, in the following imaginary conversation, which is based on the real-life characteristics and themes pertaining to Mr. TruGreen Rep and his spiel, and what I should have said in response, Mr. TruGreen Rep will be referred to as “TGCL” for “TruGreen Chemlawn.”


I open the door several minutes after the guy rang the bell. He’s wandering around the front yard with a clipboard. He approaches the front steps, but does not come up on the porch. The only thing that identifies him with “TruGreen” is his hat, which I only notice after he starts talking. Seeing the “Bob’s Roofing” truck, I think maybe Kyle called the roofing guys about the green stuff over the porch. But that’s silly– why would Kyle do that? It’s even sillier, as anyone who has seen the lawn will agree, that TruGreen thinks for a second that we give a tiny rat’s @$$ about what the grass looks like.

TGCL: [in a soft, somewhat pervert-y voice] Hi, I’m from TruGreen, and we do some of your neighbor’s lawns. I was just wondering what your guys’ plans are for, um… [looks around at the spotty, brown grass] your lawn?

Me: Oh, my, um, [should I lie and say boyfriend? husband?] roommate mows the lawn.

TGCL: [with a note of disdain] Really? Because it looks like you just let a hamster chew on it.

Me: Funny, my roommate said the same thing when I mowed it. Once. I think it’s the reel mower. But we’re all set, thanks.

TGCL: But what about fertilizers and weed control?

Me: We don’t do fertilizers. Thanks, bye.

TGCL: Why not?

Me: We’re both environmentalists. We don’t like the thought of killing fishes in the Huron River just so we can have a lawn that looks like it was spray-painted green. In fact, I think we’d rather just spray-paint the damn thing.

TGCL: But we have an All-Natural program we can do.

Me: In fact, we’re trying to kill the lawn. I hate grass. I think it’s a drain on the ecosystem and provides next to no benefit for native wildlife. We’re waiting for it to die, slowly and painfully, so that we can plant wildflowers and native ground-cover instead.

TGCL: But grass is so easy to take care of. You just have to mow it weekly (sometimes bi-weekly in the summer) and dump a bunch of chemicals on it and set a sprinkler on high in the middle of it during the hottest, driest months of the year. It’s great!

Me: I’m allergic to grass pollen. It makes my life a living nightmare during the month of May. I hate grass. Bye.

Shuts and locks door with deadbolt.


1 Response to “Killing the Lawn”

  1. 1 nikpi April 3, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    I like it! Good job :D.

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